Ashes
Samantha Prabakaran
I am asleep. I dream of the day my daughter was born.
Cass, my wife, and I were in our house, about to go to a store nearby. Picking up the keys to our car, I tossed them slightly in the air, then nodded at Cass. I remember her rubbing her full, round belly, an anticipating smile playing on her lips. She looked up at me, and I could see it in her glassy blue eyes. She loved our child with all her heart, even though the child was not yet born.
That was when the phone rang. I picked up distractedly then froze. I faintly remember the phone slipping from my hands as I stood there, shocked. The words are a blur now, simply echoes in my mind. But they felt like daggers at the time. Each word a stab, each pause a moment of giddy realization. I turned to Cass. She looked at me for a moment, eyes wide and unaccepting, as her head shook slightly. My face must have told her everything, for she collapsed into a chair and dropped her face into her hands. Tears leaked through her fingers as she wept silently.
Her father was dead. The phone rang, again and again. People offered their condolences, wished us well. All I could think was that my daughter would never experience the love of her grandfather. There were no words, nothing people could say, to change that.
Suddenly, Cass gave out a cry and clutched at her stomach. I looked up sharply, eyes wide. Why now? Why at this time? As Cass gave out another cry, all regret vanished, and was replaced by excitement. The next thing I knew, I was holding my baby girl in my arms, rocking her slightly as she slept, eyes squeezed shut, tiny fists clenched around my thumb. She was mine. And I was hers.
I kissed her wrinkled, pink forehead and whispered to her. I will always protect you. Always love you. I will keep you safe, my little one. She continued to sleep, soundly, peacefully. It was then that I was told the news. The store, the same store Cass and I had been preparing to leave to that morning, had burned down. Thankfully, everybody had escaped, but the fire had been intense. It was a miracle that there were no deaths, but some may not have been so fortunate in the same position. Some, including a pregnant woman in labor who had come shopping with her husband. That was what would have happened to us, if not for the call. My wife. My daughter. They lived because my father-in-law died.
I looked down at my sleeping baby. I will never let you go, my little one. I will never let anything harm you. Perhaps I imagined it, but the corner of her lip tugged slightly. Not even a day old, and she had the smile of her mother.
Cass. I remember her smile. Flashing out like the moon at night. Waning until it was gone… I remember… Fire. Burning. Everything was burning. Blooming explosions, flying sparks. The fire raging… Cass…
I still remember the day Cass died. It was the day my entire life collapsed on itself. Those glassy blue eyes through the red flames. I can still see the pain in her eyes as the flames devoured her. Her gaze devoured me. With that gaze, she pleaded with me. Implored me to save her. Begged me to let her live. And I chose to let her die. I still remember the tiny body in my arms. Closed, sleeping eyes. I will never let you go, my little one. Never let anything harm you. I kept her safe, and it costed me the love of my life.
I remember fleeing. Running as fast as I could. I made it to safety with my daughter in my arms, away from the smoldering place we used to call home. But inside my mind, I was not safe. I was not sheltered. On the inside, I was still out there, in the flames, watching as the world destroyed itself, watching as I destroyed my wife to save our daughter. In my mind, I held Cass’s hand, felt her pain, let the flames devour me, consume my body… I wish they would.
Cass… forgive me. I watch beads of sweat gather on her skin. Her skin turns red. Then suddenly… her eyes flick open. They are so blue in the flames. So alive. In my mind she looks at me. Her lips twitch. She smiles. In the chaos, I fancy I can make out her thoughts. Thank you. Thank you for saving our daughter. Her body blackens, and all turn to ash.
Suddenly, I bolt up straight in my bed, awake, heart racing in my chest as I heave trembling breaths. Traces of the memory linger in my mind. But what comes out of death but life itself? The end of my world has come and gone. There is only one other way to go from here. I peer to the side at my little daughter, and smile lightly. I stroke her golden curls, and her dark lashes flutter slightly as she stirs. The corners of her mouth twitch. She smiles.
I look out the window. Dawn is rising, and the sun shines brilliantly against the ashy ground, a diamond set in coal. I crawl out of bed, my bare feet stepping lightly on the cold wooden floor as I make my way toward the window. The sun. It sparks a new day. Another start. Today, it is a new world to be filled in any way. The past is gone. The time is now. A new day, a new start. A new beginning.
But first, I kiss my daughter.
Cass, my wife, and I were in our house, about to go to a store nearby. Picking up the keys to our car, I tossed them slightly in the air, then nodded at Cass. I remember her rubbing her full, round belly, an anticipating smile playing on her lips. She looked up at me, and I could see it in her glassy blue eyes. She loved our child with all her heart, even though the child was not yet born.
That was when the phone rang. I picked up distractedly then froze. I faintly remember the phone slipping from my hands as I stood there, shocked. The words are a blur now, simply echoes in my mind. But they felt like daggers at the time. Each word a stab, each pause a moment of giddy realization. I turned to Cass. She looked at me for a moment, eyes wide and unaccepting, as her head shook slightly. My face must have told her everything, for she collapsed into a chair and dropped her face into her hands. Tears leaked through her fingers as she wept silently.
Her father was dead. The phone rang, again and again. People offered their condolences, wished us well. All I could think was that my daughter would never experience the love of her grandfather. There were no words, nothing people could say, to change that.
Suddenly, Cass gave out a cry and clutched at her stomach. I looked up sharply, eyes wide. Why now? Why at this time? As Cass gave out another cry, all regret vanished, and was replaced by excitement. The next thing I knew, I was holding my baby girl in my arms, rocking her slightly as she slept, eyes squeezed shut, tiny fists clenched around my thumb. She was mine. And I was hers.
I kissed her wrinkled, pink forehead and whispered to her. I will always protect you. Always love you. I will keep you safe, my little one. She continued to sleep, soundly, peacefully. It was then that I was told the news. The store, the same store Cass and I had been preparing to leave to that morning, had burned down. Thankfully, everybody had escaped, but the fire had been intense. It was a miracle that there were no deaths, but some may not have been so fortunate in the same position. Some, including a pregnant woman in labor who had come shopping with her husband. That was what would have happened to us, if not for the call. My wife. My daughter. They lived because my father-in-law died.
I looked down at my sleeping baby. I will never let you go, my little one. I will never let anything harm you. Perhaps I imagined it, but the corner of her lip tugged slightly. Not even a day old, and she had the smile of her mother.
Cass. I remember her smile. Flashing out like the moon at night. Waning until it was gone… I remember… Fire. Burning. Everything was burning. Blooming explosions, flying sparks. The fire raging… Cass…
I still remember the day Cass died. It was the day my entire life collapsed on itself. Those glassy blue eyes through the red flames. I can still see the pain in her eyes as the flames devoured her. Her gaze devoured me. With that gaze, she pleaded with me. Implored me to save her. Begged me to let her live. And I chose to let her die. I still remember the tiny body in my arms. Closed, sleeping eyes. I will never let you go, my little one. Never let anything harm you. I kept her safe, and it costed me the love of my life.
I remember fleeing. Running as fast as I could. I made it to safety with my daughter in my arms, away from the smoldering place we used to call home. But inside my mind, I was not safe. I was not sheltered. On the inside, I was still out there, in the flames, watching as the world destroyed itself, watching as I destroyed my wife to save our daughter. In my mind, I held Cass’s hand, felt her pain, let the flames devour me, consume my body… I wish they would.
Cass… forgive me. I watch beads of sweat gather on her skin. Her skin turns red. Then suddenly… her eyes flick open. They are so blue in the flames. So alive. In my mind she looks at me. Her lips twitch. She smiles. In the chaos, I fancy I can make out her thoughts. Thank you. Thank you for saving our daughter. Her body blackens, and all turn to ash.
Suddenly, I bolt up straight in my bed, awake, heart racing in my chest as I heave trembling breaths. Traces of the memory linger in my mind. But what comes out of death but life itself? The end of my world has come and gone. There is only one other way to go from here. I peer to the side at my little daughter, and smile lightly. I stroke her golden curls, and her dark lashes flutter slightly as she stirs. The corners of her mouth twitch. She smiles.
I look out the window. Dawn is rising, and the sun shines brilliantly against the ashy ground, a diamond set in coal. I crawl out of bed, my bare feet stepping lightly on the cold wooden floor as I make my way toward the window. The sun. It sparks a new day. Another start. Today, it is a new world to be filled in any way. The past is gone. The time is now. A new day, a new start. A new beginning.
But first, I kiss my daughter.